Should we talk to children about the war?

While conflicts are increasing in the world and are omnipresent in the media, we may wonder what is the right attitude to adopt with our child. Do we really need to talk about these events which are taking place thousands of kilometers from us? How can you welcome your child’s emotions and find the right words so as not to scare them? Clinical psychologist, psychotherapist in Écully and author of the book: Children and war (Éditions Odile Jacob), Hélène Romano answers questions from Lyon Capital.

Lyon Capital: When a conflict breaks out far from home, does it represent a real cause for concern among the youngest or are they in some way protected by their daily lives as children? At what age does a child really feel concerned by anxiety-inducing news?

Hélène Romano : Whether small or adolescent, children are mainly marked by the repercussions of the war on their parents, rather than by the war itself. Indeed, they perceive very well the worry it generates among adults. Furthermore, the perception of war changes depending on the age of the child. Until primary school, the representation that children have of war resembles what they see in their cartoons or in their books. There are the bad guys who want to attack the good guys and hurt them. Before the age of 9 or 10, children form a particular image of death, unless they have already experienced mourning. For them, death is not irreversible. All it takes is a magic kiss to no longer be dead. So this creates less anxiety about war. The older the child gets, the closer his perception of the war comes to that of the parents. Adolescents already have historical reference points, they understand the political and economic issues of a conflict, know that it can spread… at an age where we experience many upheavals, where we are prey to doubts about our future, sometimes with a lot of anxiety or even Dark ideas, war and the uncertainty it generates can reason in a particularly violent way.

Should we anticipate and broach the subject with them? Or is it better to wait for their questions, at the risk of them hearing about it elsewhere, in a distorted or even frightening way?

It is always best to talk to children about war. Putting words to their emotions allows them to be contained. But we don’t say everything, or just anyhow. This may seem strange, but we also need to talk about the war on babies. They are in fact very sensitive to the relational tone with the adult. When the parent is stressed, he will be tense in his actions, less patient… He will have difficulty consoling his baby, adapting to his needs… This creates a rupture and the baby perceives that his parent is no longer psychologically available.

How can we approach this subject with the youngest, without transmitting our own anxiety to them?

To a baby, you can say: “I’m stressed because serious things are happening, far from home. But I am here for you, I love you and I will take care of you.†The baby does not understand what is said to him on a cognitive level, but he perceives the emotional meaning and this will soothe him. In primary school, the child has a life outside the home and he inevitably hears about the war. If he questions us, the best thing is to ask him what he understood. This will serve as a basis for discussion. If he doesn’t talk about it, it’s probably because it’s difficult for him to say that he’s afraid and that he doesn’t want to worry his parent. In this case, you have to take the lead. We will be vigilant for all kinds of symptoms… attention problems, sleep problems, stomach aches… We don’t hesitate to tell him that they are probably linked to events in the world. Then we explain to him what is happening in a simple way, by showing him on a map the countries affected by the conflict, and telling him saying that he can always talk to us if he is anxious or if there are things he doesn’t understand.

What should we say to teenagers?

Adolescents are generally very informed and do not hesitate to raise the subject spontaneously with their parents. Otherwise, we can start the discussion in a more direct way than with little ones, by asking them if they have heard about the current conflict, how they feel about it, and by telling them what is important to us. We will recommend that they multiply the sources of information to avoid the bias of social networks. Sometimes, the teenager can ask very frank to share their fears of the atomic bomb, of an extension of the conflict… The parents do not necessarily have the answer but they can qualify their words by saying: “Here is what I understood but you will perhaps hear other points of view†and by offering to watch a geopolitical documentary together to find elements of answer. Thus, the adolescent maintains the confidence he has in his parents, and allows himself to have his own representation of things. It may happen that the parent knows less than his adolescent and feels deprived of his parental authority. He must be allowed to speak and above all not belittle him.

What should we say to our child or teenager when he asks us if we are afraid?

You must try to be available and not respond straight away. The best thing is to ask the child how he finds us at the moment. He will probably respond that he finds us stressed, tense… To which we can respond: “Yes, you’re right, I’m afraid because I don’t really know what’s going to happen. But when I’m scared and not feeling well, I try to breathe calmly. I think of little things that make me happy and that we could do, like a pancake evening, a walk in the park… Challenging events are an opportunity to pass on cues to your child. This educates him about fear and shows him how it can be tamed. With the little ones, we can have fun making a mask of fear or a box in which we put all the things that scare us, the older ones can draw… The idea is to put words to what they feel, which allows them to control the emotion.

What are the signs that a child or adolescent is overwhelmed by the anxiety of war? What should we be vigilant about?

We are going to pay attention to what we call developmental disruption. This is not just a matter of ups and downs in the child’s mood, but of a sudden change in behavior. This can manifest itself in visible externalized disorders: the child becomes aggressive, gets angry, cries over nothing, develops sleep problems. What we take for whims are in reality signs of anxiety linked to our psychological distress. Internalized disorders are much more difficult to spot: the child withdraws, stops playing, isolates himself, sleeps all the time, regresses… He can also become extremely well-behaved, never complains… If he shows emotional detachment from everything, and seems to no longer have empathy, this means that he is in a state of hyper-adaptation which should be worrying.

Faced with manifestations of intense stress, how should the parent react? Should he call on outside help? What behaviors should you avoid?

You must of course talk to your child and not be alone, in order to share your concerns and reassure yourself as a parent. For example, we can have a telephone exchange with the National Federation of Schools for Parents and Educators (Fnepe) which provides support to parents on its toll-free number “Hello, parents in crisis†. You can also call on resource people such as a doctor or a therapist. It can happen that the parent is tired and angry with their child, but under no circumstances should blackmail or threats be made in relation to war. We should also not trivialize or deny the child’s anxiety or make fun of him. Children’s fears are not rational. And if we have ever gone too far, it is better to talk about it again with the child and apologize. No parent is perfect and everything can be made up for.